Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Not so OK today

It's almost uncanny that today is R U OK Day. Because today I'm not. I'm also choosing to blog on my Blogger post because I feel that I'm not ready to expose myself to those close to me by letting them know how I feel today and no-one know's about this particular site. The internet can be an anonymous place if you want it to be :)

Realistically, when I compare my "bad day" to those of others experiencing famine, war and tragedy I feel quite pathetic for even allowing myself a moment of "not OK". But I'm going to indulge because chances are no-one's going to really see this anyway.

A combination yesterday of a school meeting about my child and a criticism of my latest blog post on Wordpress (which I still stand by and which resulted in action being taken after three months of nothing being done) left me feeling totally raw. I then had to go alone to a school concert feeling exposed and vulnerable and sit amongst parents with my happy face on and my socialising self present.

Prior to this I rang my mother for some tears and sympathy and whilst it was somewhat forthcoming the inevitable blame game started and it turned into ALL my fault. I pay too much attention to one child, not enough to the other, yadda yadda yadda. My return home from the concert, 12 hours after I left the house that morning, was met with less sympathy and more criticism about my mothering skills. I'm trying my best, really I am.

Truth be told I think I'm doing okay. If I had nothing else to do, no full time job, I would probably be doing better. But that's not the reality of my life.

The one light at the end of the tunnel yesterday came from a very old friend whom I told that I was worried about the school meeting prior to going. It was his simple R U OK at the school concert that meant the world to me. Because I knew he cared about the answer. And didn't judge me when I said NO. He just said Sorry. A small five letter word. Sorry. Thank you Brian, it meant everything to me last night.

And today I added a little sugar to my afternoon with some petit fours which soothed my tummy and my soul because I know that to taste that good they had to be baked with love.


  1. Stumbled accross your post and I too am sorry you are not okay. The blogging world can be rough which is why I dropped out of it. I am sorry you had a rough day and I hope tommorrow is a little brighter.

  2. There is always someone worse off if you look around. Knowing that doesn't make anyone feel any better. All of us are entitled to our not OK days and I love your solution with the petit fours and the wonderful sorry from Brian. (Blame tends to trip my guilt button, and if I knew where that bastard was I would disconnect it).
    I hope today is a better day for you.