It's almost uncanny that today is R U OK Day. Because today I'm not. I'm also choosing to blog on my Blogger post because I feel that I'm not ready to expose myself to those close to me by letting them know how I feel today and no-one know's about this particular site. The internet can be an anonymous place if you want it to be :)
Realistically, when I compare my "bad day" to those of others experiencing famine, war and tragedy I feel quite pathetic for even allowing myself a moment of "not OK". But I'm going to indulge because chances are no-one's going to really see this anyway.
A combination yesterday of a school meeting about my child and a criticism of my latest blog post on Wordpress (which I still stand by and which resulted in action being taken after three months of nothing being done) left me feeling totally raw. I then had to go alone to a school concert feeling exposed and vulnerable and sit amongst parents with my happy face on and my socialising self present.
Prior to this I rang my mother for some tears and sympathy and whilst it was somewhat forthcoming the inevitable blame game started and it turned into ALL my fault. I pay too much attention to one child, not enough to the other, yadda yadda yadda. My return home from the concert, 12 hours after I left the house that morning, was met with less sympathy and more criticism about my mothering skills. I'm trying my best, really I am.
Truth be told I think I'm doing okay. If I had nothing else to do, no full time job, I would probably be doing better. But that's not the reality of my life.
The one light at the end of the tunnel yesterday came from a very old friend whom I told that I was worried about the school meeting prior to going. It was his simple R U OK at the school concert that meant the world to me. Because I knew he cared about the answer. And didn't judge me when I said NO. He just said Sorry. A small five letter word. Sorry. Thank you Brian, it meant everything to me last night.
And today I added a little sugar to my afternoon with some petit fours which soothed my tummy and my soul because I know that to taste that good they had to be baked with love.